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Apr. 14th, 2013 11:39 pmi can safely say that i honestly don't know what i'm doing anymore.
ever since the middle of march there's been this foreboding feeling in the back of my brain and it's slowly become a lot more apparent as time goes on. i think it's always been there, ever since last june, but now that the semester's almost over and most of my friends from my year are graduating and i'm not joining them it's finally hit me and i'm just like. well, fuck. i mean i'm not even back in school yet and i really don't know how many more years it's going to take before i'm finally done with it. i'm pretty sure my credits are less than fifty and my gpa was shit and i just. i'm worried. i've been worried and feeling embarrassed and ashamed and i'm tired of keeping this from everyone and my parents.
i have things to turn in before may and getting back into uni would obviously be a big step in remedying all this but then there's the other hurdle of actually trying to graduate in a year. our funds are as low as they can be and with my shit wages it's not like i can take over tuition payments by myself. besides i'm planning to leave one of my jobs anyway but trying to find something to cover that is near impossible since it's ridiculously hard to find a good job these days. i'm just tired of feeling behind, i'm tired of feeling like i wasted about a year when i could be learning things and earning credits and studying for exams. i feel like i've gotten dumber since getting dismissed and i just don't even know what i'm going to do with my life anymore.
i don't know. everything is a big i don't fucking know right now and it's scary and i get fucking nightmares from it it's ridic. i just want this whole thing to end, i want to get back to uni and i just want to feel like i'm actually doing something productive for once. people keep telling me that i shouldn't feel like shit about this and that i'm doing what i can, but it's not enough. i don't think i'll stop feeling like this until i'm back and doing what i'm supposed to be doing. it just feels a little shameful and frustrating when everyone you know is leaving and starting a new chapter in their life and you're still stuck in the same goddamn place you were back when you first started four years ago.
sometimes i just wish i could hit a rewind button and start over again.
ever since the middle of march there's been this foreboding feeling in the back of my brain and it's slowly become a lot more apparent as time goes on. i think it's always been there, ever since last june, but now that the semester's almost over and most of my friends from my year are graduating and i'm not joining them it's finally hit me and i'm just like. well, fuck. i mean i'm not even back in school yet and i really don't know how many more years it's going to take before i'm finally done with it. i'm pretty sure my credits are less than fifty and my gpa was shit and i just. i'm worried. i've been worried and feeling embarrassed and ashamed and i'm tired of keeping this from everyone and my parents.
i have things to turn in before may and getting back into uni would obviously be a big step in remedying all this but then there's the other hurdle of actually trying to graduate in a year. our funds are as low as they can be and with my shit wages it's not like i can take over tuition payments by myself. besides i'm planning to leave one of my jobs anyway but trying to find something to cover that is near impossible since it's ridiculously hard to find a good job these days. i'm just tired of feeling behind, i'm tired of feeling like i wasted about a year when i could be learning things and earning credits and studying for exams. i feel like i've gotten dumber since getting dismissed and i just don't even know what i'm going to do with my life anymore.
i don't know. everything is a big i don't fucking know right now and it's scary and i get fucking nightmares from it it's ridic. i just want this whole thing to end, i want to get back to uni and i just want to feel like i'm actually doing something productive for once. people keep telling me that i shouldn't feel like shit about this and that i'm doing what i can, but it's not enough. i don't think i'll stop feeling like this until i'm back and doing what i'm supposed to be doing. it just feels a little shameful and frustrating when everyone you know is leaving and starting a new chapter in their life and you're still stuck in the same goddamn place you were back when you first started four years ago.
sometimes i just wish i could hit a rewind button and start over again.
