unversed | (no subject)

i can safely say that i honestly don't know what i'm doing anymore.

ever since the middle of march there's been this foreboding feeling in the back of my brain and it's slowly become a lot more apparent as time goes on. i think it's always been there, ever since last june, but now that the semester's almost over and most of my friends from my year are graduating and i'm not joining them it's finally hit me and i'm just like. well, fuck. i mean i'm not even back in school yet and i really don't know how many more years it's going to take before i'm finally done with it. i'm pretty sure my credits are less than fifty and my gpa was shit and i just. i'm worried. i've been worried and feeling embarrassed and ashamed and i'm tired of keeping this from everyone and my parents.

i have things to turn in before may and getting back into uni would obviously be a big step in remedying all this but then there's the other hurdle of actually trying to graduate in a year. our funds are as low as they can be and with my shit wages it's not like i can take over tuition payments by myself. besides i'm planning to leave one of my jobs anyway but trying to find something to cover that is near impossible since it's ridiculously hard to find a good job these days. i'm just tired of feeling behind, i'm tired of feeling like i wasted about a year when i could be learning things and earning credits and studying for exams. i feel like i've gotten dumber since getting dismissed and i just don't even know what i'm going to do with my life anymore.

i don't know. everything is a big i don't fucking know right now and it's scary and i get fucking nightmares from it it's ridic. i just want this whole thing to end, i want to get back to uni and i just want to feel like i'm actually doing something productive for once. people keep telling me that i shouldn't feel like shit about this and that i'm doing what i can, but it's not enough. i don't think i'll stop feeling like this until i'm back and doing what i'm supposed to be doing. it just feels a little shameful and frustrating when everyone you know is leaving and starting a new chapter in their life and you're still stuck in the same goddamn place you were back when you first started four years ago.

sometimes i just wish i could hit a rewind button and start over again.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

(hugs)

I genuinely wish that there was something that I could do to help remedy this situation, but I know that you want to do this by yourself. I just want you to know that you're not alone and that it doesn't matter if it takes four years or ten years, everything has it's own pace. I don't think you got dumber at all, you just haven't needed to think about it for a while. If you need someone to be there, hell, you have more people behind you than you know.

But what do I know, I've never been in this situation, but I know someone who is, and I know that they can do it X3

Ame, I know exactly how you're feeling. Makes me hate that I don't have a cell phone anymore. I'm older, and I'm...just about where you are. Finances are rough, and colleges operate like Disneyland. Give them money, then give them more money, and hope you have a good time when all's said and done.

You are absolutely not a loser. Struggles and attrition will make you stronger. Other people have had it easy, but that means difficulties in the future will be harder to cope with. You're getting that over with early. Everyone makes mistakes, and the money issue is beyond your control. Don't hurt yourself, and don't kick yourself. Not over stuff like this. I wholeheartedly believe these things to be true. You're a great person. College is just not a great experience when money's an issue, and you're not alone in that. I've got a friend who's 30 and he had financial struggles and various other things, changed majors, and will be graduating next year with an Associates. It really isn't you alone.

I'm not sure if my emails have reached you or not, but do know that like others I care about you and you're in my thoughts. If you ever need to talk, I don't consider anything different between us. Lifestuff keeps people busy, but I would be happy to be someone for you to talk to. My email's the same, and my AIM is now lancefaire, although I'm not online much these days. Always checking email, and if you ever need phone time, I can give you my home number. That'll never change, so if ever you want/need/both, take me up on it any time.

You're an incredibly sweet person, and one I'm dead certain plenty of people are so glad to know. I'm glad you expressed your concerns here, so we can give you support. Go easier on yourself, Ame ♥

thanks ren ♥ i am kind of glad that i'm experiencing all this but at the same time it just gets really draining sometimes. but i'm still going so i guess that counts for something.

i've been lax on checking my email recently, but i saw them today when i went back to go look! thank you for always keeping me in your thoughts, i really appreciate it. i just added your AIM so hopefully we'll be able to talk more too!

Yeah, I know what you mean. Hits the quality of life right in its sensitive parts, but at least we'll treasure the good times when we finally get to them. Hopefully they'll come around soon.

You know by now I have you added too ♥ And hey, that's what friends are for. I don't think time changes that, and I've been a bit of a hermit too.