so i got the acceptance letter to enroll for next semester. except:

3.00 GPA for Fall 2013 by January 13, 2014

i am like 0.5 points away from 3.0 and i am so worried that when they see my final grades they'll be like "lmao just kidding you're denied"

i wish i knew about this 3.0 thing earlier like. wHY COULDN'T YOU TELL ME ABOUT THIS SOONER.

i'm so mad i just. what is even the point of trying so hard what is even the point of fighting for a year and a semester just to have them reject me in the end. i've lost so much fucking sleep over this i'm just so fucking tired. why do people have to be so cruel.

dear santa all i want for christmas is to go back to UH next semester. please.

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getting a head start before i forget orz

lately i've been feeling sort of... inadequate, i guess? i feel like nothing i do is good enough and i'm thinking about what happens after college and not being able to find something that i enjoy/am good in. i don't have any special talents and i don't have any interests currently that i'd be able to make a living out of. it's kind of worrisome; it's hard thinking about trying to live on my own when i don't have a job that could actually help pay rent or bills with.

money is always an issue. i'm like perpetually broke and it annoys me so much. sometimes my coworkers invite me out to dinners and stuff but i can never go because i don't have money. my friends from out of state come home and want to go out but i can't join them because i'm broke. i want to take a vacation, visit somewhere else like europe or go back to hk but i can't because lmao i would never be able to afford it. it's really frustrating.

there's so many things i want to do but i can't do it because something is always stopping me from doing it.

also now that i've kind of gotten into rp again i kind of regret it. i remember a lot of things that made me leave in the first place which i guess also ties in with inadequacy. i always feel like i'm just kind of hanging in the sidelines and not really doing anything and yeah people say that they'd like to do more things with me but it's either they're busy with their own thing or something outside of rp gets my attention and the chance goes by. or idk people just lose interest or they were never interested in the first place and just go along to be polite. idk there's all these little insecurities that come up and i'm starting to feel like maybe i should just drop everywhere again because i really don't need to be feeling like this right now.

but at the same time, i joined because i wanted to get back in touch with friends again. but i feel like it hasn't made me feel any closer to them than before when i wasn't in games.

idk it's just shitty dumb feelings. i think if it keeps happening after exams i'll probably just drop. i shouldn't have to feel these things over something like rp.

wow it's been a hella long time since i last updated. i guess things have been pretty up and down the past few months, especially in regards to my school situation. i recently applied to HPU (a private college) after the whole debacle with UH -- it turns out they actually lost the petition that i turned in to them in May, which was one of the main reasons why they wouldn't let me back for the fall semester: they thought i didn't submit a written statement. i took it up with the advising department but it doesn't look like they're doing anything about it so i just said fuck it and decided to just apply to somewhere else.

to be honest, i'm actually not looking forward to HPU very much if i do get in. the tuition is more expensive and i'm going to have to get accustomed to a new environment all over again. but maybe this is what i need to finally get my degree and graduate. i'm honestly so done with school; the only thing that's keeping me going is the fact that i'll have a slightly better chance of finding a better paying job and that my parents and i have already invested so much into it. getting kicked out was a really big blow to me emotionally and the shame and guilt never leaves me. i'm tired of it and i'm tired of stressing out about it. it's been harder for me to sleep lately because i'm always worried about whether or not i'd be able to attend any school, or if i'm ever going to graduate, or if i'm just going to be working shitty min. wage jobs and living at home for the rest of my life. i worry that my parents won't ever be able to retire because of money. a big part of it is that i can't really see where i'll be in the future; like i have no idea where i'm going or what i'll be doing. i don't exactly have a plan and i'm kind of flying blind here but at this point everything is kind of out of my hands. i just hope to god i'll be able to go somewhere. i don't think i can handle sitting out for another semester, i've already been doing that for a year.

other than that, i've been working a lot to the point where i just come home really exhausted. rp wise, i apped to exsilium on a whim but i'm just not feeling it and i kind of wish i didn't app haha. there's a big KH cast but... idk i get the feeling they've already lost interest in the game or are busy. i haven't played with them much. i kind of ran out of steam for save the earth, but hopefully i'll be able to scrounge up something for momo's app (pretty sure my reserve expired. oops). oh also i got Okamiden earlier this week and that's pretty much taken over my free time as well. i'm having a lot of fun with it, it's a really cute game! makes me wish my ps2 was still working so i could play Okami.

speaking of Okami, there's a fan made remix album on kickstarter that recently got funded! i'm so excited to get the CD and the songs are really good! ;w; there's still a few days left if you guys want to get your hands on it. i really recommend it to everyone!

i can safely say that i honestly don't know what i'm doing anymore.

ever since the middle of march there's been this foreboding feeling in the back of my brain and it's slowly become a lot more apparent as time goes on. i think it's always been there, ever since last june, but now that the semester's almost over and most of my friends from my year are graduating and i'm not joining them it's finally hit me and i'm just like. well, fuck. i mean i'm not even back in school yet and i really don't know how many more years it's going to take before i'm finally done with it. i'm pretty sure my credits are less than fifty and my gpa was shit and i just. i'm worried. i've been worried and feeling embarrassed and ashamed and i'm tired of keeping this from everyone and my parents.

i have things to turn in before may and getting back into uni would obviously be a big step in remedying all this but then there's the other hurdle of actually trying to graduate in a year. our funds are as low as they can be and with my shit wages it's not like i can take over tuition payments by myself. besides i'm planning to leave one of my jobs anyway but trying to find something to cover that is near impossible since it's ridiculously hard to find a good job these days. i'm just tired of feeling behind, i'm tired of feeling like i wasted about a year when i could be learning things and earning credits and studying for exams. i feel like i've gotten dumber since getting dismissed and i just don't even know what i'm going to do with my life anymore.

i don't know. everything is a big i don't fucking know right now and it's scary and i get fucking nightmares from it it's ridic. i just want this whole thing to end, i want to get back to uni and i just want to feel like i'm actually doing something productive for once. people keep telling me that i shouldn't feel like shit about this and that i'm doing what i can, but it's not enough. i don't think i'll stop feeling like this until i'm back and doing what i'm supposed to be doing. it just feels a little shameful and frustrating when everyone you know is leaving and starting a new chapter in their life and you're still stuck in the same goddamn place you were back when you first started four years ago.

sometimes i just wish i could hit a rewind button and start over again.

Wow, so I guess this is the first legit post in this journal. Dang. I kind of owe a hella belated life report thing to a lot of people, especially those who I don't have added on plurk and stuff, so haha sorry this took so long. I'm not dead, guys! Promise!

( doop doop )